Struggles of Finding Peace

Dear Dad,

I always knew I had trouble settling my mind through the bouts of growing up and being so eager to start living the next stage of my life---so much that I'm barely able to look around and enjoy where I am now. But never would I have thought that I would find trouble in being present somewhere so familiar as what's supposed to be my "second home" at school.

Because coming home to a place I've come to know so well during holiday breaks brings me the most comfort I could ever feel, I guess I thought returning back to school each time would feel just as reassuring. In reality, this year has made me realize that my mind doesn't quite respond to the environmental cues connected to familiarity as much as I thought. Instead, I've spent much of this semester wishing that the days would be over as I wake up. I've become more anxious looking at the busy schedules that my day holds, tempted to skip everything to settle my brain down. It's as though I can feel the motivation that regularly consumes me at the start of each school year clearly dwindling down quicker and quicker as I get older. And in the end I always end up asking, "What do I do now?".

After what's felt like the longest weeks and days of my college career thus far, I've learned that finding this inner peace that I've been lacking comes from surrounding myself with people (anyone, at this point). Lately, I've resorted back to isolation which I thought would ease my brain and the tension it caused the rest of my body to feel on a daily basis. What I've come to realize is that I've been at a loss of any type of social interaction besides a selected few that I would let in, allowing me to feel lost in my thoughts when I would happen to bump into someone I haven't spoken to in a while.

In other words, my past couple weeks have looked like this:

Being surrounded by friends whether it was at on-campus events, retreats or bible studies.

This past week has consisted of:

Taking a break from the anxieties that friends & ongoing events can bring while resting with family & the beauty of being home.

Two totally different periods of my life where it may seem as though I'm enjoying life just the same, but actually feeling two totally contrasting emotions. Although my internal happiness stems from who I choose to surround myself with & when I do so, finding peace in slowing down & staying put is what I've realized I need to force myself to do sometimes.

As I continue to enjoy my time at home for the holidays & wrap up the first half of sophomore year (wowza that's insane) I will pray for more times that I can allow myself to take a day off of doing work & simply relax at school if needed. This way, I can choose to reflect on the things that have made me happy the most lately: seeing my cat greet me in the mornings after a restful sleep, eating home cooked meals made by my mother (definitely needed this desperately), looking outside to see the colors of fall, & checking in with my college friends from afar as they spend similar quality time at home in peace.

To the struggles of finding peace & the growth that comes with it,

Your daughter,

Lauren